she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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