So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Found the puke drawer
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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