I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.