I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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