You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.