Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
