Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
