just tell him i said nine months
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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