If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
