Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
