she woke up with a sticky ear
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
