I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
