For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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