Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
