Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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