someone threw a dead crab at me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
