I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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