All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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