she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
