When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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Can I just swipe right on his dad?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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