Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
COCAINE IS GR8
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
