this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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