Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
