I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
