Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
