walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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