I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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