omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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