I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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