I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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