tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.