Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
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the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
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Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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