Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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