we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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