i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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