ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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