I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
