I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
