would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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