Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
