So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
