I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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