am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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