Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My bed smells like the plague
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
