A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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