***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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