so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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