I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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