i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
