someone get that fucking seahorse.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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