Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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