I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
