I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
