covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
