Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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