Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
