Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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