I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
