Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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