Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
