the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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