you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
