I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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