I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
pray to the hookup gods
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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